Eccentric Tea Woman

  The fear of the unknown. That's my biggest source of anxiety, one that I know will never fully go away. Even though I am handling my reactions better, I know that it will still affect me. And I hate it. I hate not knowing what will come next. I hate wondering late at night if the next day will bring doom and gloom. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, wondering if something I said or did YEARS ago would come back to bite me on the ass. Will that one act I committed years ago finally come back as my undoing? Did I really mean to move away from everything I knew, everything that was a part of my comfort zone? What will happen regarding this virus called COVID-19? What will I do if I can't make any money through my creative pursuits? This new guy in my life wants me to move in with him; what will happen if I do? Why did I move to Colorado, a state about which I knew nothing about? I don't know anyone here - what will happen if I can't make any new friends? What ...

 20 some odd years ago, I met an older guy through Myspace. He was a talented creative person and I enjoyed his works, as did many others. When he would acknowledge me, I thought it was really special, not to mention cool. Here was this guy whose life was the kind I wanted for myself, only I had no idea how to obtain said life. Also, I had no idea what I wanted for myself AT ALL. After some time had passed, I noticed that he mildly flirted with me, yet it didn't dawn on me until years later. Sometimes, I am truly aloof. What happened next took place over many years - I flirted back and he flirted more, only to disappear for a time. What a cycle that I craved in my life. I felt as though my heart was breaking, yet I never gave up on trying to talk with him. Hell, not even speak to me, but at least acknowledge me. Whenever I posted photos online, I hoped that he would comment on them. And yet, in looking back, I only received messages when he felt like it. Well, I finally met him and...