Lesson Learned - THE CHASE


 20 some odd years ago, I met an older guy through Myspace. He was a talented creative person and I enjoyed his works, as did many others. When he would acknowledge me, I thought it was really special, not to mention cool. Here was this guy whose life was the kind I wanted for myself, only I had no idea how to obtain said life. Also, I had no idea what I wanted for myself AT ALL. After some time had passed, I noticed that he mildly flirted with me, yet it didn't dawn on me until years later. Sometimes, I am truly aloof. What happened next took place over many years - I flirted back and he flirted more, only to disappear for a time. What a cycle that I craved in my life. I felt as though my heart was breaking, yet I never gave up on trying to talk with him. Hell, not even speak to me, but at least acknowledge me. Whenever I posted photos online, I hoped that he would comment on them. And yet, in looking back, I only received messages when he felt like it. Well, I finally met him and you know what? HE WAS HUMAN. But . . . this bigger picture was that for a good chunk of my life, I chased. I chased after men who didn't give two shits about me, chased ideas that I was told I needed to pursue, and chased anything else that was supposedly good for my life. I chased because I honestly didn't know how to do what I am doing now - look at myself. I remember someone telling me once how they pursued the Questing Beast. It was this mythological monster that was the key to their success in life. Years later, I found my QB in the form of a tea company, books, and an overall creative life. I found the QB inside of myself. There was no need to look outside for what my life needed. I needed myself to come whole, come clean, and admit that yes, I was going to make mistakes and fuck up a lot. I had spent so much time taking the advice of people who "clearly knew what was best for me" that I never once listened to my own self. What did I want for myself? And so, as I began listening more to that solid inner voice, the Chase slowly went away. No more was I going to chase after people or things or ideals pushed on me by others. Now, I was going to chase myself - this wonderful, eccentric, creative woman who had so much to give and take in a constant flow. The Chase is dead. 


Lesson Learned. 

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