Four Years - WARNING of lots of cussing in this post.

Today marks my four year anniversary of moving to Colorado. For many years, I was riddled with doubts and anxiety, combined with a desire to people please, a desire to chase after people and things, and an allowance to be led around by the nose by people who honestly weren't good for me. The shift began in New Orleans, the city that I thought would become my forever home. Turns out I was wrong; it was the place where I would die. Not literally, of course, but metaphorically. I looked around and suddenly, I woke up. I realized that I had been living a lie just to appease others who didn't give two shits about me. I was running on empty and I seemed to like it. I did whatever others told me to do, mostly because I didn't have the balls to say FUCK NO. I told myself - that's enough - and then the true path began. Or rather, the new and improved part of my path began. I removed people from my life. I stopped bad habits. I asked myself - what do I really want? What do I really need? Months later, I found myself driving to an unknown state, a state that would become my home. I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be quite the equally yoked individual. We grew into each other as we developed our autonomy as well. My creativity began to be properly used in ways I never thought were possible (like knitting, making stickers, and baking bread!). I learned to love myself in my own way and not in the way of someone telling me for the sake of trying to break me down and control me. Therapy had become a source of asking WHY and being prepared for the answers. And now, I am still standing on way more solid legs than ever before. I no longer allow bullshit to enter my life and if it does, I ask myself why without being harsh, then send it on its way. I continue to write stories and novels (currently working on a dark academia version of my time in prep school) and blending delicious teas for customers. I continue to make friends through mutual interests and not because I am desperate. When people reveal their true ugly faces, I stand up for myself and show them the door. When they try to insult me with some petty ass shit, or bring up things from my long ago past that I've already atoned for, I realize that they are trying to hurt me with the past. Trouble is - I've made my peace with my past. I apologized and cried profusely over the things I've done and allowed to be done to me. I've moved on, so why didn't they? I've realized that the only constant thing is change and I am grateful that I can handle it better than ever before. Shit will happen in our lives, but it's up to us to decide how we will react to it. Right now, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, my car needs an oil change, and we are expected to get yet another round of heavy snowfall today. However, I am alive, I am here, and I will push on because why ever the fuck not. 

Take care and have a cup of tea.