Lesson Learned - PATIENCE


 

Waiting and waiting and waiting. I absolutely hate to wait on anything. When I push myself to go faster, quicker, speedier, my anxiety boils up and suddenly, I'm in the middle of a panic attack. Have you ever gone through a panic attack? They feel like having a heart attack. One moment, you're tensing up because the person driving behind you is right on your bumper, even though you're in the slow lane, then the next moment you're suddenly breathing as though you've just run a marathon and your vision is blurry and you have a headache. Welcome to not waiting. I'm tired of feeling that way. I'm tired of people rushing all around me - hurry up, hurry up! I now slow down, actually stop, and look around. I look around at the miserable faces, the people who need everything NOW! The people who yell at retail workers because they had to wait five minutes to get their item in a bag. The people who will fly by you and then give you the finger because how DARE you follow the speed limit! The people who crave instant gratification. I stop and look around and tell myself - slow the F down. I don't tell the world that; I tell myself that. I tell myself to take the time to meditate and focus on my breathing. I tell myself that I can't make the world move just for me. I tell myself that if I'm waiting for something, I just have to wait until it comes to me. I am currently dealing with a matter involving not getting what I need right now. Due to the mistakes and apathy of someone else, I have to wait longer than normal. At first, I was furious and wanted to yell and scream; however, when my anxiety shot up, I slowed down and went for a walk. As I walked with my boyfriend and his dog, I took in the colour of the leaves on the trees, the various birds that flew over us, and the clouds in the sky. I slowed down my breathing and focused on the fact that yes, I am fucking alive. I am here and now. My situation will be handled . . . but not today. My anxiety wailed inside of me and I wondered why? Then it hit me - I feel out of control. Patience and slowing down meant that I had to acknowledge that the matter was out of my control. And . . . I was okay with that. I was okay with slowing down and focusing on my day. Patience is a lesson that needs to be learned repeatedly and I am ready for it.

Lesson still learning. 

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