Lesson Learned - CONTROL

 

I want, I feel the need to control everything in my life. If I don't control every little fiber of my life, then something will go wrong. I will fall down on my face in shame and embarrassment. I will be a failure. 

I used to be like that until quite recently. Like last week recently. I received not-so-good news regarding my small business on Friday afternoon. The letter fell from my hand and my eyes focused on nothing before me. I felt as though I had done something wrong when only later I learned that it was an honest mistake that would be handled in time. I kept asking myself how this could have happened to me. After all, I was in control of everything, right? Wrong. Yes, I am the owner of a micro business (I have no employees and no storefront), yet it has been a struggle these past several years. I am now waiting to hear from a job that will hopefully get me out of this quagmire. I was frustrated with myself for not having everything under control - I thought everything was under my watchful eyes. I thought I had everything figured out. I thought that nothing had escaped my senses. In fact, as of last week, I realized that I didn't have the control I thought I did. In fact, the only thing I had under control was my well-being. Everything else had become the storm that I feared then later turned into barely accepting it as a part of Life. The small pebble in my shoe that, after a while, I had grown used to. The ever-rising flames that I knew I needed to handle but avoided while thinking I had it all under control. I thought that if I tightened my grip on everything external, then things would get better. If only I worry more about this job offer, then that means that I would get it faster. If I stress and circulate anxious thoughts about the outside world, then I've got everything under control. If I think hard enough, then complete strangers would do what I needed them to do. Last week, I came to the realization that nothing outside of me was under my control. In fact, my anxiety used to be much higher years ago because I focused so hard on everything beyond me. I couldn't have cared less about me, but I had to focus my energy on what was out there. Now, I have learned to let go of what is beyond me. As I sat in my office this morning, I decided that the only matter I would control would be myself. Continue with journaling, meditating, being mindful, taking care of my many forms of health, staying hydrated, continuing with my knitting and reading, and getting proper amounts of rest. That, dear reader, is all I am going to control. With regards to the outside problems, well, I will handle them when they are out of someone else's hands and returned to me. Right now, all I can do is wait and go on with my life. Control but much, much gentler than before. 

Lesson That I Am Currently Learning. 

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