Lesson Learned - (screaming)

 

This morning, I went to my OBGYN, where I learned a horrible truth that I honestly did not know - my stress level is not good. When I returned home, I was frustrated at myself for being overweight, a little fatigued due to waking up early for my appointment, and just numb. So now, as I sit here at my computer writing out this blog post, it finally dawned on me that stress has been fucking around with me for years and I didn't realize it and take better care of it. I didn't know that my stress levels were higher than I had imagined. I sat in my chair in my office and tried to return to the point when my stress levels started to climb. I think it was the time when my wonderful job in the AML department of a financial firm was taken away from me due to a company merger/buyout. When we received the news of that shattering change, many of us didn't know what was going to happen. Some immediately jumped ship and went to other companies, while others hung on until the bitter end when they were told that they no longer had a job. And others were given the wink and the nod that their jobs were secured because they were seen as "needed". I left and went to another company and for almost five years, I was miserable. I hated what I did to receive a paycheck and when I left, I was apathetic. I returned to my former company and found that my stress remained at the same level, if not higher for a myriad of reasons. So, I looked around and decided to go full-time as a self-employed owner of a small business. The only problem was that I had no starting capital and honestly, no plan. Then COVID happened and we all know about that. Fast forward to now: I am still the owner of a small business and a published author. I am still worried about my finances regarding the company. My stress is here with me and it's been a bigger monster than I honestly thought. And, that stress is wreaking havoc on me due to a lovely matter called perimenopause. In all of my years, I've never cried in an OBGYN office until today, mostly due to just being frustrated and stressed out. And today . . . I'm making changes. For real. I'm looking at ways to honestly reduce my stress, including knowing the fact that there will be times when I can't do anything about my current situation except wait and be patient. I want to return to visiting art museums and coffeehouses. Writing in my journal has helped tremendously, and an increase in meditation will be a benefit as well. Also, making sure that I have enough sleep will beat down the stress monster. Finally, I need to understand that yes, I am getting older and yes, I need to roll with the punches more and better. Because lately, I've been acting as though every little matter is a battle that needs to be fought hard. I am not easy on myself and will put undue pressure on myself when things don't go the way I had thought. I need to remember that life is LIFE - there are going to be some fantastic moments and also some shitty ones. No one gets out of that. We are all going through it in various ways. I have my regrets but there's nothing I can do about them, except to "bloom where I have been planted". Look out, stress - I'm coming for you. 

Lesson Still Learning. 

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