Eccentric Tea Woman

  A window made dirty through the years by viewing other souls. The layer upon layer of filth, sins expelled and clouded my view. More than thoughts and prayers are needed. More than smiles are expected. A window, fit for viewing the horrible truth of the world.

 I died a thousand times only to return to your murderous face. You can not save me. I never asked you to  hold out your hand. Leave the albatross around my neck. I am my own Oracle. 

  a tear falls down her face. singular, celebratory, clear. she wonders - well, now what? the door is closed, shut closed after he left. tomorrow can be another day, she thinks, but what if I choose to stay here? a Tuesday to remain frozen because I am afraid of closing my eyes. the writer in her tells her to go on, on, pursue what you used to be afraid of. he is no longer here to yell at you. she stretches her hands over the keyboard. one day or day one. neither seems appealing. Viridian Tea Company - Tea, Books, Art, and Photography! Click HERE for the Etsy store link!

  My Goth ways began with the 80s horror film Fright Night . You remember that movie, right? A high school guy named Charley Brewster discovers that his recently moved-in next-door neighbour is a vampire (played by Chris Sarandon). Add some killer tracks and some gore, and you've got one hell of a film! I first watched it on Betamax (showing my age!) and was mesmerized by the vampire. He was so handsome, so suave, so evil, that I began reading any book I could get my hands on that dealt with vampires. As I grew older, I got more and more into what I later learned was called the Goth subculture and I loved it. However, I also noticed that as I grew older, my fears and anxieties grew right along with me. When I lived alone in various apartments, I always felt as though some ghost or demon or vampire or whatever was creeping up behind me, ready to strike when I least expected it. I tried my best to ignore the "feelings" yet they wouldn't leave me alone, so much so that a...

  Every time that I used to visit New Orleans when I lived in Memphis, I thought that the city was the answer to all of my problems. I knew that if I just moved there, all of my shortcomings and issues would be magically erased. However, when I finally moved there during the beginning of COVID, my problems did not go away at all. In fact, they got worse. I found myself still caught up in the weeds, drifting from idea to idea and even though I had a business to run, I was more worried about stupid situations. Then one day, I received an invitation to visit Colorado, a state I didn't know too much about. I visited and found myself enjoying the lack the drama and toxic behaviours. When I returned to New Orleans, I returned to all of the mess I had temporarily left. And then one day, I had had enough of my issues. I told myself - that's enough . And so, I began to change. I also remembered a piece of advice someone told me a long time ago. She said - it doesn't matter if you ar...

 While enjoying a quiet period of reading the other day, I learned that a man I knew really well had died. I blinked several times in shock because I had spoken to him quite recently. He was a talented artist and overall good soul. I searched social media to learn that yes, he had died. I was stunned. Recently, I met two women from Israel and soon, we were caught up in a delightful conversation. I showed them the library book that I was reading ( My Wild Garden by Meir Shalev ) and their eyes grew wide. Oh yes, he's really famous in Israel, they told me, and he died recently. My heart went straight to my feet and tears formed in my eyes. Although I had never met the man, the one book I was reading by him had formed a connection that I could not deny. So, in learning that he was dead, I felt as though a dearest friend had left this world. Thankfully, the author had written many books, so our connection was restored. So much Death surrounding us. Whenever we hear of a famous person o...

  I'm listening to the crickets chirp as I meditate and focus on my breathing. To hear their sounds bring me great (and quiet) joy that can not be replaced with anything else. So much noise lately, so much anger, so much "I'm right and you're wrong". I open my eyes once the meditation is over and reach for my cup of jasmine green tea. I take a sip and immediately remember the time when a woman told me that people don't drink hot tea during the summer. I remember how I smiled at her and said - I drink hot tea all year . She looked at me funny and then walked away from my vendor booth. The cricket chirps again and I wish I could make a tiny cup of tea to share with the insect. I'm feeling better today: more connected, quieter, more aware of myself. I realize that I no longer need someone to tell me my worth. I don't need someone screaming that I am worthless and I never listen to them. Right now, I have my tea and crickets outside of the window. The leav...

 I was sitting outside under the Colorado sun while waiting for the all-clear. You see, I decided to take the day off to enjoy the Denver Art Museum . It was one of their Free Days and I figured, why not! It had been way too long since I last visited. However, while enjoying some photography, the buzzers went off and a mechanical voice came on, announcing that there was a fire emergency and for everyone to evacuate. I sighed a little and made my way down the stairs just like everyone else. While most people tried to find a shady spot to wait, I sat down on one of the benches under the glare of the sun and decided to sweat it out. Several minutes later, a French family walked up to the bench and sat down as they happily chatted amongst themselves. I spoke to them en francais and they were pleasant in replying. They soon left and bid me an au revoir, to which I replied in kind. Several minutes later, we received the all-clear and I returned inside to the cool museum and viewed art ...

  This morning, I went to my OBGYN, where I learned a horrible truth that I honestly did not know - my stress level is not good. When I returned home, I was frustrated at myself for being overweight, a little fatigued due to waking up early for my appointment, and just numb. So now, as I sit here at my computer writing out this blog post, it finally dawned on me that stress has been fucking around with me for years and I didn't realize it and take better care of it. I didn't know that my stress levels were higher than I had imagined. I sat in my chair in my office and tried to return to the point when my stress levels started to climb. I think it was the time when my wonderful job in the AML department of a financial firm was taken away from me due to a company merger/buyout. When we received the news of that shattering change, many of us didn't know what was going to happen. Some immediately jumped ship and went to other companies, while others hung on until the bitter end...

  When I am about to embark on something new, I get so excited about it. For several days, I will devote much time and energy to the project in question, only to later notice how I may forget to work on it for one day. That one day extends into several and before I know it, I've forgotten to practice my violin, or paint enso, or promote my tea company on social media, or whatever is right in front of me. For years, I couldn't figure out why I procrastinated, especially when it involved something that I truly enjoyed. I literally found the answer yesterday - it's not about being lazy but rather being consistent. Apparently, many people have this problem due to focusing on the outcome rather than the process. I felt as though a light went off in my mind. The article was right: I was more focused on playing the song Eleanor Rigby on my violin rather than enjoying the learning process of getting there. I was more concerned with my tea company making money than actually enjoyin...

 I received word today that the gods and goddesses of old were still among us.  They have witnessed what we humans have become and now they want nothing more to do with us. Some of us, however, are worth "saving" and it is those precious few on whom they bestow their madness upon.  These precious few shriek and scream and dance among colours we have yet to see.  These precious few tell us that we are being watched and we give them a tin foil hat.  These precious few tell us that THEY can see us and we shun the messenger. I lied; I am one of the proud few, the one who can see them.  I refuse to scream but instead, give my gods flowers while they whisper words into my ears that will turn into books that no one can comprehend. I want to run away and hide yet they will always find me. I want to be normal and talk over a water cooler yet they laugh at my foolishness. All I can do is love my deities. All I can do is dream about my new life. All I can do.  Al...

  A new day has come. Time for me to open my journal, pull out my case of pencils, and write. No matter where I am, I have to have both my case of pencils and my sharpener with me whenever I write longhand. For many years, I devoted my writing to the pen (black and maybe blue at times), yet one day while I was in a botanic garden, I wanted to write something in my journal. The only writing instruments I had on me were pencils. I made sure that they were sharpened and I set to writing. Ever since I moved to Colorado, I've completely given in to the whims of the pencil and I refuse to use a pen unless if pressed. Call me an antiquated woman, but I just adore writing in pencil. What is it about the pencil that makes for such a fascinating writing tool? Well for starters, the modern pencil was invented by Nicholas-Jacques Conte in 1795 while serving as a scientist in Napoleon Bonaparte's army. There's more to pencils than what you received in grade school! Several years ago, I...

  They always say "Better late than never". So so so true. As I have gotten older, the lessons continue to hit me (softly) across the face. I can't help but laugh at myself when I finally get it. So, here is a list of things that I finally got: When a person SHOWS you their character, believe them. Not everyone on the planet likes you.  You don't have to like everyone on the planet. Failure is not the end of the world. Sometimes, you do need a day or two or three off. No really, keep reading books and learning.  Not everyone wants to change, so don't make them. If what they're doing seems silly to you, focus on yourself instead.  Your path looks radically different than others, so don't compare.  Don't be envious of others' successes. Focus on your wins, no matter how big or small.  Sometimes, that thing you've always wanted and didn't get may be the biggest gift EVER. Go with the flow, no matter how badly you want to control the situation....

  I once met a woman Who told me that the dead spoke to her. Was it a gift? I asked. No, she replied, but a responsibility Since the dead are the regrets That no longer have a voice. But if they no longer have a voice, I asked, Then how do they speak to you? By revealing a person’s weakness, she replied. Tears that slowly fall Are not normal tears But a wet reality Of what they have done. But should it be hidden? I asked To keep away the questions Asked for too long and too repetitive. The woman was gone -  A ghost of herself -  And all that is left Are my tears of regret. Viridian Tea Company - Strange and Unusual Tea Blends! Click HERE for the Etsy store link!

 I grew up with the idea that I had to please everyone. Bend over backward and don't forget to smile! So what if you have plans? So what if you wanted to stay at home and enjoy a quiet evening? Saying YES meant doing the right thing no matter what. Saying YES meant that my needs were not important enough and if I dared to question . . .  At times, it felt as though I had to ask permission to go out and enjoy myself. Do things that I wanted to do. And then one day, I learned about the word NO. No, I will not give up my plans tonight just because. No, I don't need anyone's permission to do whatever I want to do.  Funny how the people who couldn't accept me saying NO to them were the same ones who didn't respect my boundaries. Or even knew I had boundaries, mostly because I didn't speak up. I didn't tell those people - I really feel uncomfortable discussing this matter. Please find someone else who is more suitable. Or: Please call me before showing up at my ap...

So, there you are. You're sitting in front of your computer, ready to work on a new novel or short story, or poem. Or, you're standing in front of a blank canvas as you hold your brush, ready to paint a new painting. You're filled with inspiration and you're ready to expel it out to the universe. And then, you put down the brush, move away from the computer, and start scrolling through social media. You get caught up in the drama of the world and how people are getting angrier and angrier. You discover a new game app that you have to download and play until you get to Level 27. You spend an hour looking at a friend's profile and wonder why they wasted time making posts about so and so. On and on and on, until you look up and suddenly, five hours have passed. No words on the glaring screen. No strokes of colour on the canvas. But damn, you made it to Level 27! This is what I like to call Lost In The Weeds. It's that time when you're supposed to be productive ...

Blue skies above me. no clouds, too perfect to imagine. the Blue Painted carefully, the artist has done this before when there was a demand from those who were blind. beyond the Blue: questions for one to ask ever and ever, down, down, up never-ending but my questions of the Blue are heard by the artist, hidden. do not ask his name. reality, a thin sliver of Blue. Viridian Tea Company -  Strange and Unusual Tea Blends! Click HERE for the Etsy store link!

  To this day, the song "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg makes me want to cry. I remember how when I was younger, just hearing the first notes would start up the waterworks. I couldn't explain it to people; I just knew that that song made me cry. Other songs had that same effect on me and I wondered if there was something truly wrong with me. I also noticed how gory/horror films made me physically ill (I threw up once after watching The Exorcist) and lingered in my mind for days. I couldn't sleep for fear that SOMETHING was going to get me. I can spend hours viewing a piece of art, picturing the artist and their process. The scent of an almond croissant sends me over the moon and I find it hard to come down to earth. And don't get me started on my love of TEA. Whenever I couldn't let go of a thought that was from an ill source, I had many people tell me to "just get over it" and "you're being so sensitive". As much as I wanted to let go of th...

One drop of blood Is more than sufficient As a sacrifice among sinners And pagan saints. Purging all that is holy Gives up more room to defy the order And begin something new. Those that hold the ropes Claim they never wanted it to happen; Foolish mortals were never quiet. Inside of this In spite of this Denial of this, never that, Under frightful eyes With glass sharp tongues. Revenge is a cup of warm jasmine tea, sipped slowly, In case there was something missed. Forget all that has been learned And focus on what is here For there can never be another Time. Viridian Tea Company - Strange and Unusual Tea Blends! Click HERE for the Etsy store link!

(This story was previously published in Tales From a Goth Librarian II - out of print) When I first met Paula, I told her that she smelled like bergamot. Every time she moved her arms, every time her hair caught a light breeze, my senses would go into overdrive and all I could think of was a pot of Earl Grey tea. She said she smelled that way because she spent most of her childhood in her uncle’s teashop, wandering among the tall glass jars filled to the brim with exotic smells and delicacies from around the world. A pinch of oolong here, a dabble of British Breakfast there, some lavender thrown in for good measure, and voila! she would say, raising her hands over her head as if she was a magician. She lived for the scents that awakened the senses, for it was in those scents that brought us to a moment of undiluted happiness. One day I wanted to feel that same experience, so the two of us walked from my home to her uncle’s teashop, the small cerulean blue coloured store at the end of t...

  When I was younger, I was not given the option to fail. No grades below a B, no low ACT/SAT scores. I was supposed to be a perfect child who was brilliant and did everything she was told. Now that I'm much older, I am finally learning to embrace failure and that's a good thing. Back then, everything I did had to be perfect. Listen to your elders, I was told, and that way you won't make the mistakes we made in our lives. However, with that constant reminder being driven into me, there was also a part of me that wanted to find out WHY I was told not to do certain things. Looking back, I realize that I needed to find out the hard way. And so, I did. I failed many, many, many times, and it turned my anxiety into a force that wanted/needed to control everything. In that flawed way, I could pretend to be perfect to the world. What bullshit.  My current violin teacher is one of the forces who changed my life. My previous violin teachers were fantastic in their own way, yet I use...